We blame the internet.
Let’s back up. Every year at the Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles, the big three (Nintendo, Microsoft and Sony, but also EA and Ubisoft) hold a press conference to go over mind-destroying facts about fiscal quarters, units sold and other nonsense. On the flip side, they give us a peek into all the cool, new fungadgets we’ll be ponying up for in the next year. If we’re lucky, we get our first glimpses at new consoles (with hard-to-swallow names) and sizzle reels for newly announced games. You know what the worst part of all that typed hype was? Two words: “Press Conference.” And the participants in said press conferences have a hell of time catering to all in attendance. Which goes back to us blaming the internet.
Before the internet was really a “thing” and offered video streams, we’d get our news from hastily scribbled notes by underslept game journalists reeking of the odor from thousands of other game journalists. Or, if we wanted dumbed-down info, we’d scour news sites like CNN or NY Times for succinct information aimed directly at mothers and fathers, telling us vital facts like price and name and not things like how fun the game in question would be.
Let’s chat about journalists for a sec: we’re the most cynical people on the planet. We take information, report it or if we’re games journalists, skew it. We know bullshit when we see it. We do. Mainstream journalists report on a ho-hum tech conference. Games journalists POUR their every fiber and being into the biggest trade show of the year for their industry and if something stinks just a tad, get ready for the snark avalanche.
Well, thank you internet for arming both journalists AND the masses with with cynic fodder. Because Nintendo, Microsoft, Sony, EA, Ubisfot and Activision straddle the line between informative, entertainment and embarrassment (maybe instead of a line, we pictured a Venn diagram. That analogy probably works better). Don’t remember? How about Nintendo’s E3 presser from 2008, hot off the Wii sales and ready to turn their back on the hardcore audience.
Remember Wii Sports Resort and Wii Music? Remember when Cammie Dunaway and Reggie Fils-Amie tried to sell the most jaded people on the planet the idea of smiling?
How about Sony’s E3 conference from 2006? RIDGE RACEERRRR? Attacking a crab for massive damange? The PS3’s $600 price point?
Hey, Microsoft? Wanna show us some of the Kinect?
Or Activision’s announcement at the 2010 E3, that Microsoft would have timed exclusivity for the 360 for Call of Duty over the next several years. Why do we mention this? Because the wanker would pause for applause. It’s a press conference. We applaud when something exciting happens, not when you tell us you will charge a certain core group of customers an exorbitant fee several months before allowing others to do so.
Remember Activision’s Jamie Kennedy fiasco?
HAR HAR. We’re virgins and Jamie Kennedy starred in Son of the Mask. Wait, we gotta take a minute for the acidic “jokes” to sink in.
Hey, Ubisoft had Mr. Caffeine. Remember how fucking insane watching this was?
Okay, so let’s get to the point. E3 press conferences should not be the place to confuse that your sole purpose is to unveil, market and sell videogames to not only the people in the room who will then write about it for others to read (and usually in the most damning way possible), but the hundreds of thousands who are streaming the goddamn conference. We don’t applaud failure, terrible comedians, misdirected enthusiasm, terrifying plans to rape our wallets, awful presenters or children. Especially not children.
We applaud game announcements and things that thrill us. We get that you pat yourself on the back and remind us of your stature. Hell, Apple does it. The best companies do. But Apple doesn’t have Jamie Kennedy. Or Mr. Caffeine. Or Cammie Dunaway. Apple riles us up by showing and demonstrating products we want.
Learn your market. Be concise. Excite us.
1 Comment
Shane…
You win a kajillion internets.