RurouniQ’s E3 Predictions 2011

It’s that time again, folks!

The magic clock on the wall tells us it’s time again for Howdy Doo… I mean, E3! T-minus 29 days, as of writing. Woooooo! Yeeeahh! Alright bro! Fuck yeah! *Fist bump* *Chest bump* *Head butt* *Beer bong*

Ok, now that we’ve gotten that out of our system… It’s time for PUNDITRY! That’s right folks, with every great impending event, it’s up to the media to make baseless, pointless suppositions regarding the scope, impact and announcements in the event itself. Guess who’s got a media baaadge? (Hint: Answer after the jump.)

Read it and weep, suckers.

So without further ado, I give you my E3 predictions. Officially* the BEST E3 predictions on the planet. Period.

*Officially applies only to inside Q’s head.

Sony Announces Further Security Measures

In the wake of the public disgrace surrounding the security failure of PSN, Sony will announce new PSN security features in an attempt to win back consumer confidence. The big one? The complete removal of PSN.

“What we’ve learned from this whole scenario,” will say CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment Kaz Hirai, “is that PlayStation gamers do just fine without PSN. So rather than spending thousands of dollars bringing back a problematic system that nobody needs, we are leading the charge, setting the example for the industry, by shutting it down altogether. Riiiiiiiiiiidge offline!”

“In order to further increase security,” will continue Kaz in the wake of ensuing cheering and applause from the audience, “we will be following the industry standard set by leaders such as Blizzard and VeriSign, and will require that all PlayStation owners use an unsynced security passcode keyfob in order to gain access to their machine. We know that some gamers may not agree with this inconvenience, but that’s what security is, right?” Glancing off stage, “Right?”

“These keyfobs will be available for sale at a suggested retail price of $9.99 per user. Don’t worry, for those of you who already own a PS3 or PSP, we will be sending these to you for free! With a small $9.99 shipping and handling charge.”

Nintendo Reveals New Console: Feel

The latest rumors surrounding Nintendo’s latest console say that it will be called the Nintendo Feel (great, another sexual innuendo), and that the controller will feature haptic feedback to give a more thorough kind of tactile feedback. I’m going to go along with these rumors; totally sounds like something Nintendo would do. But I don’t suspect for a moment that Nintendo is done there.

Nintendo President and COO Reggie Fils-Aime will walk onto the stage with the new controller in hand. “This is the Nintendo Feel. With it, we will ensure that you, the player, will feel every aspect of your game. The name ‘Feel’ is a little bit of a mislabel, actually, because it implies that the Feel will work only on your sense of touch. We will be doing much more.”

“This portion of the controller,” he will say as he fiddles with one end, extending a hollow tube out from it, “is a special device that will work on not just your sense of touch, or even smell. With a little bit of our special N3 blend,” he says as he pours a green powder down the tube, “the built-in burner will fill the air and fill your mind. You will be feeling every aspect of the game, especially when the controller’s built-in screen fires creatively-imaginative fractal patterns at your eyes. These images are specially designed to go right to the gamer’s subconscious, releasing endorphines in record quantities. No matter what, you will enjoy the feeling of your Nintendo Feel. And you won’t want to leave.”

As the audience settles into a dreamlike trance, the eurotrance music plays, and the colored strobe lights flicker rapidly, he will say, “Did I mention it has a Vitality Sensor built in?”

Microsoft Makes No New Significant Announcements

The way I see it, Microsoft has two choices: either announce something completely unforeseen, a shocker that will floor the gaming community… or announce nothing new and simply revel in its own victory publicly. Which one do you think is much more likely? Proooobably the same one I think. That’s right, folks. Microsoft’s gonna pull a Sony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvsboPUjrGc

Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft, will run out on stage (apparently having just come from Nintendo’s press conference), yelling about how awesome he is. “Welcome to E3, bitches. You know what? We own this bitch. We ARE this bitch.”

“Take a look at Kinect, alright, bitches? Three MONTHS ago, we’d sold 10 million of those little plastic shits. And we’ve got like, what, 4 games for it? That was a project from like, five years ago, and you love it, you sluts. It’s literally our fucking castoff, and everybody is all over it like flies on a piece of dog shit.”

“And don’t get me started on our competitors over there. More like ‘It Only Does… Credit Card Fraud’. What’s the alternative, huh bitches? What? I can either get an Xbox with no controller needed and fucking online out the ass, or I can hang out offline with my 8-year old buddies just like Michael Jackson. I don’t know about you, but I’m not a fucking pedophile. I’m not saying that, you know, Wii owners, are all pedophiles or some shit like that, but… you gotta wonder, right?”

“So here’s what we’re gonna do, bitches. We’re just gonna sit here and keep kicking ass. Here’s some Gears of War 3… fuck it, we’re shipping it to stores today. Ship it today, Bob! It’s not done, but you’ll buy it anyway. Won’t you? WON’T YOU?! And shit, I’m not even going to fucking comment on that Halo remake the Internets have been all a-Twittering about. We might do it, we might not. You love us.” He will then jump down into the audience and bitchslap some random audience member out of their chair. “You fucking love us,” he will say, tossing a copy of Halo 3 at the felled audience member before walking off.

So there you have it, folks. RurouniQ’s completely true and accurate E3 predictions. Nothing else of any importance will happen.

Oh, and there’s like a new Call of Duty, some kind of Final Fantasy VII remake, and I think maybe something about a new Half-Valve or something? Whatever.