On today’s edition of “Talking to Games,” I have a fireside chat with the amiable “Dead Space 2.” Hilarity doth ensue.
Hit the jump to find out how.
(M=Me, G=Game)
G: Hey! Hey!
M: Oh, hey…”Dead Space 2.” What’s up?
G: What the hell, man? What’s your problem?
M: Problem? Nothing. I don’t have any problems.
G: I haven’t heard from you in forever! One minute you’re playing me every night, I think we’re getting along great, and then right at the ending boss battle you just leave! And now I’ve been sitting here on the shelf like an idiot for three weeks!
M: It’s not like that, man, I’ve just been tied up.
G: You put me next to the original “Dead Space.” Do you have any idea how awkward that is for me? You don’t think he knows he’s getting traded to Gamestop because of me?
M: I don’t–
G: –He and “Mirror’s Edge” have it out for me, dude.
M: Look, I’ve been busy, lots of things happening.
G: And yet you magically found time to log three hours every night with “Baby Maker Extreme” on XBLA.
M: Well come on, those fetuses aren’t going to abort themselves.
G: But you’re on my last boss fight. The end of the game. Do you know what it’s like for me to be that close to the end, and then just wait there? It’s like halting a pee, mid-urination.
M: That’s painful, I hate that.
G: Yeah. Exactly. So how about you come finish what you started here?
M: Look I didn’t want to say this. But I’m not coming back. I’m never coming back.
G: What? Why?
M: I just…it’s too hard, okay? Your ending is too hard!
G: Are you kidding me?!
M: You ran me through like, five million Necromorphs in Chapter 15!
G: There were plenty of save points, you big crybaby.
M: And what about that indestructible douche bag that’s always chasing me? Who do you think you are, “Resident Evil: Nemesis?” And then, after all of that, after you wring every last bullet out of my inventory, you put me up against the ghost of my dead wife screaming “make us whole!” and a couple dozen shadow baby demons and a giant floating heart I have to pump full of bullets like twenty times.
G: That was a run-on sentence, just FYI.
M: Your ending is a run-on sentence.
G: You’re a wimp.
M: Yeah well I don’t like your stupid ending.
G: Lower the difficulty.
M: We both know that is never, ever happening.
G: You’re playing on “Survivalist!”
M: Exactly. It’s a pride thing.
G: You’re an idiot.
M: Keep on talking, my friend. I’m revving up the engine for a ride to Gamestop as we speak.
G: …You…you wouldn’t trade me. I have multiplayer.
M: Fat load of good that does me. I can never get into a game because EA was too cheap to get dedicated servers, and my NAT is moderate.
G: That’s not my fault!
M: You know, Gamestop is awfully far away. Maybe I’ll just sell you to Best Buy. I hear they do that now.
G: That’s not funny.
M: Or how about eBay?
G: You’re a monster.
M: Yeah, well, I learned from the best.
-AA
Quick, quick, good hands!
1 Comment
Man, you always seem to get into these dysfunctional relationships… with games.