All right, damn it, let’s do this thing. I’m ready. It’s time for me to eat my words about the Wii edition of “Goldeneye.” I played it today and…I was…come on, Andrew, you can do this…IwaswrongokaythereIsaidit! Phew.
I mean, it’s not like it was the greatest thing I’ve ever played, but it turns out that only some of the changes they made (cough Daniel Craig cough) were moronic; others were quite inspired. One in particular was just amazing, and let me tell you about it. I jumped into a multiplayer match with three other guys, all of whom were older than me. Now God only knows what hole these people were living in when the original came out, but everyone who even touched a Nintendo 64 knows that you always play as freaking Oddjob. I was sure it would be a mad rush in the character selection screen, but no, I dove on him easily. You do know what I’m talking about, don’t you, Dear Reader? Oddjob, stout little killing machine that he is, is statistically harder to hit thanks to his diminished vertical game. And now this new version adds one more reason to roll with this pint sized prince: he comes equipped with a one-hit-kill hat throw. That’s right, you can throw his freaking hat at people. Let me just tell you that I destroyed my opponents with that hat. Even the Nintendo guy was going, “Damn!” I seriously think they might have balance issues. When I brought this up to the rep, he replied, “No, no, because everyone else has grenades, and they do more damage.” Maybe so, but “Goldeneye Wii” has that obnoxious grenade indicator that COD has made me hate, so you have a chance to get out of the way. You know the one I mean, that stupid little arrow that keeps insisting a grenade right next to you is actually in the bloody ceiling. There is no indicator to warn you that a little man in a suit is about to chop your head off with an airborne fashion statement.
There’s something kind of douche-y about the way Activision has re-jiggered this classic to feel more like COD, though. It’s like they’re trying to draw a subtle parallel: “Eh? Eh? See that? ‘Goldeneye’ is actually just ‘Call of Duty: The Prequel’! We’re like the same game!” No you’re not. “Goldeneye” revolutionized the first person shooter for consoles. You revolutionized drunken frat parties and modern day soldiers who can inexplicably run as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog.
Also I played the 3DS. It’s the greatest thing ever. Not only does it not require glasses, it actually has a slider which allows you to determine how much stereoscopic you’d like in your image. I was tailoring the depth trickery of my experience. There’s something borderline maniacal about being that far ahead of the competition. I managed to play “Ridge Racer” and “Samurai Warriors” on this little wonder box, but I also got to watch it play “Mario Kart” for me. All three were impressive. I found myself getting dizzy a lot when the 3D was set to full blast, but hey, that’s why they let you adjust it. You’ve done it again, you sick Japanese madmen. You’ve come out of complete left field and taken everyone by storm. Can no one stop you?
