Dear Reader,
On this edition of “Talking To Games”–which for the uninitiated is exactly what it sounds like–we’ll be having a quaint fireside chat with the newly released “Deus Ex: Human Revolution.” Yours truly has put some solid hours into this thing, and there’s much to discuss. Let’s not waste any time. Hit the jump and let the dialog begin.
(M: Me, G: Game)
M: Hey there, “Deus Ex: Human Revolution,” the newly released prequel to the seminal PC RPG/action hybrid.
G: …Just call me Deus Ex. What are you doing here?
M: Doing here? What do you mean? I wanted to see you. I’m so into you, baby.
G: Well I don’t want to see you, so maybe you can show yourself out.
M: What? Don’t be like that. What’s wrong?
G: What’s wrong? You’re going to ask me “what’s wrong”?
M: I fully intend on asking you that. Repeatedly, if necessary.
G: What’s wrong is you’ve been treating me like dirt for two years, and now I come out and get some good reviews, and suddenly you’re all into me.
M: Baby, it’s not like that. I played you at E3!
G: Then trashed me in your write-up.
M: “Trash” is a very strong verb. I think we should keep that word in the land of nouns. It’s too strong for verb country.
G: Uh huh.
M: I think “dismissed” is closer to what I did.
G: And what about E3 2010? Did you even bother to come see me?
M: Well, you were…it was hard to find you…
G: Did you pre-order me?
M: Whoa, whoa, whoa, all of my friends who do that say that the passion goes right out of the relationship.
G: Admit it, Andrew: you never thought I was going to be a good game. Even after you and Maul–who was VERY nice to me by the way–played a near final build of me at E3.
M: I had…concerns, but I don’t think it’s accurate that–
G: Admit it, or I’m going to red ring your Xbox.
M: …You can do that? You can’t do that. You’re bluffing.
G: Try me.
M: …Well I mean how can you blame me?! Come on!
G: I knew it.
M: It’s not my fault! You were trying to prequel a classic game, you had zero point zero Warren Spector involvement!
G: Get out.
M: Have you met your older sister, “Invisible War?”
G: Don’t bring her into this.
M: Oh I’m bringing her. I’m bringing her all the way into this. I need you to understand that I purchased that game new, within a week of it coming out. I paid fifty American dollars for that…that thing. That wound has not healed. The name “Deus Ex” turned to ash in my mouth.
G: This changes nothing.
M: Why didn’t you tell me you had a richly conceived stealth and combat system? Why didn’t you explain to me that you had put copious effort into smart level design, competent hacking, thorough upgrading, and free choice?
G: Get away from me.
M: Fine! Fine! But before I go, let me ask you a serious question: did someone at Square Enix pee in the CPU while you were being made? Because seriously, you are…really yellow. You’re beyond yellow, you’re almost jaundiced. You should’ve been called “Deus Ex: Through a Glass of Lemonade.”
G: I said LEAVE!
M: …Isn’t there any way we can set things right?
G: I’m sorry, Andrew, but it’s like the song says: if you like it, then you should’ve put a pre-order on it.
–AA
i never wanted to be your dancing shoes
1 Comment
Hey, Andrew, are you still playing around with Deus Ex? Because I just got a call and it wants to come over and play in my room. I mean, I don’t wanna crash in on your relationship or anything… but I’m gonna.