People I Hate in the Gears Beta

Hello Dear Reader,

This is an open letter to any people who play the “Gears 3” beta in ways that I find unethical, illogical and downright un-American. Dear you people: I hate you. You are human garbage. I dream of destroying your hopes and dreams. Look at you, with your little Xbox 360 Elite, and your glow-in-the-dark Hammerburst, and your stupid Cole Train unlocked character that I would’ve unlocked too, if I wasn’t so busy A) having a life B) being capable of pleasuring a woman.

Everyone listed after this jump is officially on notice: I’m coming for you. And when you least expect it, I’m going to poop down your chimney on Christmas.

So as I was saying, here is a list of people in the “Gears 3” beta whom I long to destroy:

-Digger Whore. Oh, that’s right, roadie run to the Digger, again. You don’t even know what you’re doing with the damned thing, you just fire it at walls to watch the burrowing animation!

–Teammate who shoots me to clear his line of sight. Do it again. Watch what happens. There’s plenty of cover in these levels; indeed, some might say the area is replete with cover. It’s everywhere. Go find another angle on that guy you were probably, at best, going to down for a few seconds before he spams the A button and gets right back up.

-Teammate who can’t handle the mortar gun. You know what? I can’t either. You see, I know things about myself: I like sharks, cinnamon makes me sneeze, and I’m no bloody good with the mortar gun. So guess what I do? I put on my big boy pants, and I don’t touch the stupid thing! Here’s another thing I know about me: the next time I watch a mortar round fall from the sky onto empty pavement, while the enemy players (who are all clumped together, mind you) stand at a distance and scratch their heads, I am going to give you a religious experience with the business end of my Gnasher.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN-LJr6OQVo

-Kill Stealer. Yes, we all do it. We all wet our beaks. Sometimes it’s an accident, sometimes you’re having a bad round and you kind of feel like you helped with that down, so why not? But that’s not you, Kill Stealer. You just fire at everything. Anything on its knees is fair game. But remember whose help you’re going to need when you get downed in the middle of a wall of Lancer bullets. Maybe I’ll get there just a second too late. Terrible shame, that.

-Teammate who arrives a second too late to revive me. Yes, I kind of see the irony here, given the last person on my list. Thank you, Dear Reader, you may now wipe that stupid grin off your face. But seriously, come on! Do a roll next time!

-Mrs. Sawed-Off. I hate you most of all. Pick up a Gnasher like a real man. You probably ran Roach raids in the “Starcraft 2” beta, didn’t you? And I’ll bet you heaped sticky grenades in every direction during the “Reach” beta. You are, truly, that guy. Enjoy it now, because once they actually balance this damned game, I am coming for you.

-AA

cause I owe you an apology