Diablo III Has Some Problems

Sup gamers,

After impatiently waiting over a decade for a threequel to a beloved franchise, Max Payne 3 is finally here. Oh and so is Diablo III (nyuk nyuk!). Hard-boiled wash-ups aside, the new Diablo graced Battle.net servers the other midnight and well, things weren’t pretty. As evidenced by only the most popular and highly anticipated games that require internet connections, Diablo III’s launch was met with (surprise) server issues. Even though Activision Blizzard doesn’t see how a required internet connection is a form of DRM, we know that’s a bunch of PR bull. Let us be your Virgil and walk you through the lows of Diablo’s launch.

1) Error 37
A constant internet connection is required to play Diablo III. According to Activision Blizzard, this is to keep players from modding off-line and bringing an overpowered character online, as well as zero access to the money-printing (for Blizzard) auction house. People who purchased the game online (why would anyone EVER go to a retail store for a PC/MAC game?), had to wait until midnight until the servers “allowed” access to play the game at the same time. That means people with the game on their hard drives couldn’t play the game until it was midnight on the 15th.

And once midnight rolled around, Error 37 kept booting people from the game OR refused your hilariously desperate attempts to login to the game you’ve waited years to play. You want to play the game you paid for and have sitting on your hard drive? That’s vanity right there!

You know why Activision Blizzard gets away with this and not Ubisoft or EA or any other company? Because AB makes Warcraft, Starcraft and Diablo. And PC gamers label AB as gods and will throw money at them because they get to play the games they want, even if they have to wade through the exact same bullshit they cry foul with other companies. Millions are complacent for this error. You may bitch, but we guarantee you won’t call for a boycott, even though this always-online thing is inexcusable.

2) Lag
Okay, so why is there lag in my single-player game? Because I’m required to be online at all times? For the auction house that lets Activision Blizzard make more money?

Okay, cool. Thanks for clearing that up.

3) Error 3006
Make sure you don’t trade items with your Templar follower in the early moments of the game. You’ll get kicked back to the servers with a game-breaking bug. Just a heads-up.

Sure, AB says they’re working round the clock for an emergency fix because like most industries, you can solve a problem by throwing enough money at it.

And maybe we’re being a little harsh on Diablo III. Hell, anything Bethesda does is rife with bugs for months after release and Portal 2’s launch wouldn’t let us play for a good half hour. And Activision Blizzard is known for pretty much giving the community everything they could possibly want.

But surely, an always-required internet connection is ludicrous. It was infuriating to hear about it before release FOR PRECISELY THIS REASON. A taste of things to come? Or a niggle in the framework of an already-successful game? We’ll see, but just be careful with traipsing the dungeons this week, k?