Dear Mario,
It has been a few years and I never said anything, but I feel like every time I see you, it’s there. It’s in the back of my mind and it’s really bugging me. You know, I’ve gotten over it, so it’s not that big of deal anymore, but I think we need to talk about it. You really hurt me.
I’m talking about Super Mario Sunshine.
What the hell were you thinking?
When I was in grade school (a Catholic one, keep in mind), I once got in trouble and was sentenced to clean every pew in the church during recess for a month. It sucked. I hated it. But ya know what? I look at the time I spent cleaning pews more fondly than I do playing your stupid Sunshine game. Real-life cleaning with an actual rag was more fun that cleaning up colorful messes with your talking Super Soaker Back Pack.
Stop it, you’re embarrasing yourself.
Playing your game was like work. Every time I beat a challenge… I mean got a Shine… I thought to myself, “Thank God I don’t have to do that again!” In fact, your Sunshine game was the last time I threw my controller in a fit of rage. Luckily for us both, it survived. But I remember it clearly. I was a freshman in college. My roommate was walking down the hall heading back to our dorm room when suddenly a controller flew out the door and pounded against the wall like a cannonball shooting a castle. Boy, was he confused. I assured him that I wasn’t crazy and that there wasn’t a controller-shooting cannon in the room.
Instead, there was a mustached-crazed jackass who had deceived me. You see Mario, in addition to your game sucking, I never expected such a high level of difficulty from a game starring you. Some of your challenges… I mean, Shine obtaining…. were so hard that I just felt you were being flat-out mean to me. I now hate rotating blocks thanks to you.
Do you see what I mean Mario? Why are there so many blocks!?
And another thing! The whole subplot where Bowser Jr. was convinced that Peach was his mother was beyond strange. I believed him for a while. Who was I to question the young dragon boy? I was disturbed. Greatly. Peach and Bowser? So you’re telling me that Peach consented to sex with a dragon? She might be a slut, but I doubt she would bang a dragon. So what other option was there? Peach was raped. By Bowser. Mario, I know it was revealed that she wasn’t the mother, but I was convinced for a good portion of Sunshine that your girlfriend had not only been kidnapped by Bowser for all those years, but he had been raping her too. How could she walk after that? (Then again, maybe that’s why she started floating everywhere instead.. I think we’re on to something here!) I think Sunshine went a little too far with that one.
"Oops, I had a dragon kid!"
Were there good things about Sunshine? Umm… Well Yoshi was in it. I guess that was pretty cool. And uhh.. the island locales were nice. Nice and sunny. I bet you had a mean tan at the end of the adventure. The music was… no actually I didn’t like the music all that much.
But ya know what? We’re still friends, Mario. I think you really redeemed yourself in Galaxy. I sometimes make the argument that you even surpassed your effort of Mario 64 with Galaxy.
I forgive you. That’s what friends do.
But don’t let it happen again.
Sincerely,
Greg
