Move. What? We’re debating this? The Playstation Move is so far beyond the Natal it isn’t even funny. What’s that you say? They call it the “Kinect” now? Okay, whatever, I don’t have time to keep up with all the nonsense words Microsoft attaches to its ridiculous, overpriced products. These are the same idiots who couldn’t just call it the “Xbox 2,” they had to throw a bunch of extra numbers on there to piss you off. If they really want to impress me, they could make up a sassy new way to spell “Red Ring of Death.” Seeing as that’s a phrase their customers are forced to use at a near-constant rate, it seems only fair. Go work on that for awhile, Microsoft. How about “Thrii Hundrid Dollir Lemon,” or “1080 Damn It My F*cking Console is Broken Again.” I’m just spit balling here.
So look, Nintendo beat us both to the punch. The question is, how do you intelligently implement the lessons you’ve learned? You can either flail around helplessly, implementing unproven technology that has no useful application in your product line…or you can adapt and improve what you know works. That’s the difference between Sony and Microsoft, Sony actually learns from its competition. Did you see us throwing a hissy fit like this when Nintendo pioneered the Rumble Pak or the control stick? No. We found a way to smoothly integrate and we moved on. And down the road, when Nintendo finally ditched the cartridge and followed our example, you’ll notice we kept a respectful silence. We take ego out of the equation and focus on delivering the highest quality product.
The proof is in the pudding, folks: show me the software. While PS3 owners are blasting through motion-control “SOCOM,” what in the hell does Microsoft expect to do? Did you know they’re making a “Forza” game for this thing where you have no control of the gas or brake? That’s how lost software developers are, and I could not possibly blame them. I don’t even want to know what board meetings at Turn 10 Software are like right now. When the Nanect or whatever it’s called starts piling up on Best Buy’s shelves, I hope Bill Gates will at least have the courtesy to buy Turn 10 a beer. They’ve basically become Tony Blair to the Xbox’s Bush, forging into a suicide mission for the sake of old friendship. God bless them, they deserve better than this.
If you look at the list of developers who are going to “implement”—and boy do I ever use that word loosely—this thing, you’ll find a short stack of dudes who owe Microsoft a favor (cough Lionhead and Turn 10 cough) and people you’ve never heard of. Who in the crap is “Big Park Studios?” The truth is, there’s no bloody way to make a worthwhile video game with this device. Its relationship to the player destroys the basic foundations of control and input that have been developing for decades. Button-pressing just works, it has a high yield of efficient communication potential, and abolishing it without a proper replacement is lunacy. There’s a reason the Wii didn’t do this: it’s a stupid idea.
So there you have it. The Move is a smart application of proven technology, and it will bring a whole new dimension to mainline Playstation IPs. Gamers and software developers alike will know what they’re getting into. The Kinatal or whatever is an overblown attention-grabber with no practical application. Like the Virtual Boy, it’s a stunt that looks great on the showroom floor, but will never find a place in anyone’s living room.
Kinect. The Kinect is a breakthrough in game design that will push the medium forward. Sony has wisely elected to sit back, wait for us to blaze the trail, and then rip us off shamelessly. It’s a cunning business model, they’ve been doing it for years, and each time they get more shameless about it. I’m pretty sure the only reason they put that little glowing gumdrop on the top of the Move is so no one could sue them for copyright infringement.
Now Sony is very pleased with itself right now, because it’s managed to slap motion control onto several of its B-list franchises which only nerds care about. And I’m sure it’s going to be an absolute thrill the first time a PS3 owner chooses “drink a glass of milk” in “Heavy Rain” with a glow-in-the-dark lollipop instead of a joystick. But is that it? Seriously? Nintendo opens the ball on motion control and you guys just copy and paste onto “SOCOM”?
Sony has had one original notion in its existence: putting games on discs instead of cartridges. This was a nearly inevitable development, but they’ve managed to pat themselves on the back for it ever since, while plagiarizing rumble technology, joysticks, and motion control from Nintendo; and then Achievements, online purchasing, hard drive support, and console shooters from us. They do not innovate, they do not pioneer. The Move is just one more sad example of their inability to add anything worthwhile to the market. So yes, the Kinect is a risk. We like taking risks. And no, software developers haven’t figured out every aspect of it yet. But the truth is, we’d rather push the envelope and try something new than just sit around regurgitating.
And what must really be embarrassing for Sony is that the Kinect works. As badly as the fan boys would like to trash it, the damned thing functions beautifully. Read an unbiased source, they’ll tell you the same thing every time: it works. It senses the motion of your entire body, it can respond to your voice, it even has facial recognition possibilities. This is brave new stuff, and we’re proud to be on the cutting edge of it. Nintendo showed us that motion control works, but we’re not content to piggy back their R and D. We take it to the next level. The reason developers don’t have a full slate yet is because the Kinect is going to usher in an entirely new breed of video game. Most of them are still stunned and speechless at the incredible new tools we’ve handed them. Adjustment takes time.
Sony, meanwhile, has added a breathtaking new dimension to their Wii rip-off: leaning. That’s right, folks, you can…lean. And it’ll sort of know that you did it. As long as you press the “I’m leaning now” button and do a ten minute calibration, that is. Odd, the Wii doesn’t require a calibration process, and works just as well. Almost seems like a step backwards, doesn’t it? Sort of the same step backwards they took when they ripped off the Nintendo’s joystick but made the stem too short. Or remember “Sixaxis?” That was just adorable. I think two games tried to use it, and one of them was “Lair.” Enough said.
And don’t let them fool you on the price tag. Yes, the Kinect will run you a few dollars, but there’s a hidden cost in the Move: the Playstation Eye. Remember that? No? I don’t blame you, no one does, except the five people who bought “Eye of Judgment.” Factor in the useless camera and the black sticks with Lite Brite ovaries glued on them, and you’ve got yourself a pretty penny. Did we mention you don’t have to buy multiple controllers for the Kinect? Kind of nice, isn’t it?
So for basically the same price, you can buy the Wii all over again minus any IPs you might care about, or you can have a new product that offers technology no one else has. You can be part of the future, or part of the past. Seems like a simple choice, but maybe that’s just me.
