Re-Releasing “Goldeneye” on the Wii

Guys, I don’t know how to break this to you, but "Goldeneye" was a movie tie-in video game! It existed in a very specific time and place, and every time you try to re-capitalize on it, something horrible happens. Remember "Goldeneye: Rogue Agent?" Remember that one? It was a game where you played as a dude with an actual golden eye! That is how low capitalism is willing to stoop to suck the marrow from anything people have ever liked.

At first, when you look at this announcement, it almost seems like their hearts are in the right place: updated graphics, 8 players, online competitive play, motion control, etc. But there’s always a stink-bomb hiding somewhere, something that reveals the true manipulative intent behind the friendly exterior. In this case, look no further than Daniel Craig. They’ve gone into the game and replaced Pierce Brosnan with Daniel Craig.

What?

Are we in communist Russia or something? It’s like Lenin is dead and we’re knocking over all of his statues. What is this revisionist history crap? Let me repeat again, because apparently these geniuses already forgot: "Goldeneye" is a movie adaptation! And in that movie, Pierce freaking Brosnan played James Bond. That’s what happened, and most people were not irretrievably damaged by it. What exactly is the hypothetical situation you’re imagining here? A couple of tweens sit down on the couch to hit up some "Goldeneye Wii Edition," and then one says to the other, "Wait a minute! For the fraction of a second that I can even see my character in a first person shooter, it’s some weird guy with dark hair! Who is that weird guy? I don’t care for him! Daniel Craig is James Bond, it’s just a fact. He’s been playing the role since 1865. And by golly, if I don’t see a pixilated rendition of his short blond hair in the bathroom mirror of the first level for five seconds, this product is nigh useless to me. Come on, other teenaged boy who’s sitting next to me, let’s go back to playing ‘Call of Duty.’"

The only part of that scenario that’s actually possible is the very end, and it’s not like that wouldn’t happen anyway. You aren’t fooling anyone with your "Conduit" bull crap, Nintendo, you’re a piss-poor venue for first person shooters. No one is going to play a shooter on you, not while we have to enter "Friend Codes" to find people to play with, and waggle a blocky, white dildo at the edge of the screen to slowly turn left. Now I get that you’re drawing from the nostalgia well, and that’s fine, but going in and manhandling the very things that create that nostalgia is unwise. The young audience you’re hoping to snag with this move didn’t play "Goldeneye," and they’re sure as hell not going to start now. Meanwhile, the people who did are going to be turned off by the weird changes to their beloved classic, and now they aren’t biting either. You’ve managed to alienate absolutely everyone. Nice work.